"Right now, it's like this."

Coping in Logic-Free Times

There a moments throughout my life that I describe as “logic-free.” As much as I try to make sense of the situation, the rational answers elude me. Sometimes the situations are micro … the sudden loss of a loved one or an argument with a friend.

Other times they are macro, like 9/11, when you are seeing something in real time with the rest of the world and are powerless to change the outcome in the moment. Outrage, fear, horror, shock, indignation, heartbreak, compassion … all the emotions happening simultaneously while your mind grasps for a way to process the unthinkable.

For many, these macro events overlap with the micro events and become an almost unbearable stew of torture. In these moments there is still a need to perform the daily responsibilities of making breakfast, washing the laundry, paying the bills, getting groceries.

It is when I am performing the daily tasks that intrusive thoughts have the opportunity to sneak in. “How dare I do something normal right now.” These moments have the potential to lead me into a swirl of anxiety and depression.

There is a Buddhist saying: "Right now, it's like this.”

When I first heard this I misinterpreted it as being anti-movement, extremely passive…as if being instructed to give in or give up. Today I interpret it as a tool to bring emotional clarity to these “logic-free” events so I am better equipped to find a productive, non self-destructive path forward.

I’m definitely not a stoic. As a lifelong advocate of the world’s underdogs, I have been known to be dramatic and passionately emotional. I lost a debate final in my younger years because I became so enraged I threw book at my opponent. I have called out local and state politicians in meetings for their lack of action. I am very familiar with both written and verbal testimony. I have engaged citizens for positive change.

But I also know that sleeping is important, that groceries are important, and that how I “show up” in these moments impacts how successful I am at motivating others.

Art is my obsession, and it has also been a coping mechanism for me. During COVID lock down I was running a volunteer dependent affordable housing nonprofit that supported 24 families. We were ordered to immediately shut down a portion of our operations (the fundraising arm) but I still had bills to pay and families to house.

My supports were absent, concerned with their own businesses and lives, and I felt very isolated. And working from home was both a blessing and a curse. Our “home” was a rental on the construction site of the organizations newest development so from my window I looked out on the newly poured foundations. And all of the subcontractors knew which door to knock on to collect their past due payments.

“Right now, it’s like this.”

I began alternating work with painting, and time became irrelevant.

With the partnership of my husband, we stabilized the organization and continued forward on the construction. We found new sources of revenue and safely reengaged the volunteers. The bills got paid and the subcontractors kept working with us.

And at the center of my growth was art combined with the power of “Right now, it’s like this.”

In my youth I was under the illusion that the older I get the easier my life would be. I don’t have that illusion anymore. Life is hard, and it continues to be hard. Sometimes really, really hard. I will continue to paint, and I will share my artwork because that brings me a sense of calm in a chaotic world. My hope is that those who view it find a moment a peace, which will then help ease their anxiety or depression, so that person can do their shopping and pay their bills and are able to bear witness to the “logic-free” events that are happening today so we can (together) mobilize action for a better tomorrow.

Of Creative Interest

I love to surround myself with original, thoughtful creativity. Recently that’s included finishing North of the Tension Line by J.F. Riordan; Reflections on a Life in Exile, a book that stayed with me long after I turned the last page. I also treated myself to a beautiful pottery set from Sara Santa Clara and have been slowly working my way through the mitered blanket pattern by Louise Tilbrook. Living with and making things like these has been a quiet joy.

Studio Updates

Thank you to everyone that has visited our website and commented on the new tweaks. My business manager and website designer Adam Rockwell has done a beautiful job of displaying my paintings at www.klrockwell.com

As you could probably tell from this post, I’ve been doing a lot of painting (coping mechanism) recently. Below is just a snippet of recent work.